Yesterday was a day of mourning for me - it was the official end of a year reigning my own little queendom, a year of freedom (well somewhat... but that's a long story about an even longer road and no car), my one on one year with Baby Breeze - yes, the end of my maternity leave. It's all gone now for the most part. I have returned to life (okay, I won't be melodramatic, it's really only a 20 year sentence) in A CUBICLE. I refuse to say "reality" because life in THE CUBICLE no way resembles how humans were meant to live. Prisoners have more freedom.
I walked into a space the size of my kitchen island, looked out a window that was so covered in murkiness I couldn't see the grimy rooftops below. I breathed in and choked - stale, warm air; I looked around at the dirty carpet and chased crumbs from their hiding spot underneath the monitor.
My neurons were rebelling and refused to fire - a meeting within the first hour! I tried to dredge up program history from the web-infested recesses of my working mind. I tried to focus on the upcoming deadlines, all urgent, all life threatening (my life that is). I couldn't. I didn't want to be there. My mommy brain was waging war with my working brain and it was no contest. I wanted to be outside, walking my baby down the hill, picking wild blackberries, breathing the fresh hilly air - my usual morning routine back home. Heck, I'd rather be changing a corn-infested, highly potent poopy diaper than be there.
My freedom is gone - no more games of chase and tickle with Baby Breeze, no more baking on impulse, catching a few minutes of TV, reading the newest blog postings, pulling a few weeds in the garden. All the spontaneity of life at home is gone.
BUT, I knew I wouldn't be able to face THE CUBICLE and all of its confines five days a week after 13 months at home so I am doing it slowly, no cold turkey for this gal. Home today and tomorrow the mourning starts all over again. On and off like that over the next few weeks until I can bear a full-time return. But all the while I will be planning my escape.
I used my year wisely...I did some soul-searching while the baby napped :) I found out what truly makes me tick and how I can combine my strengths with my interests to break free from THE CUBICLE. It's going to take time but when you are doing 20 years without parole (no more children for us and 20 years until retirement) time is all you have!
The View from my Hilltop
